


I Don't Want To Get Over You

by dontlookatmeok



Series: The Break-Up Series (like a love song in reverse) [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Reconciliation, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, it's all vague, it's vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 10:09:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16083947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontlookatmeok/pseuds/dontlookatmeok
Summary: Their relationship had started strong. Their love had been real.But a rift was created, and the pain of their separation never eased.Years later, they meet again.





	I Don't Want To Get Over You

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back on my bandom bullshit after like a decade ayy lmao  
> always did wonder if there was anyone still around on the rydon train
> 
> i haven't posted any fic anywhere in maybe like 5 years and i'm not gunning for gold, but if you enjoy it, lmk. i'll probably be posting more. 
> 
> maybe.
> 
> just a really quick thing i wrote and is just full of dumb feelings and dumb references. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> i was originally gonna write maybe two paragraphs for a friend, but it turned into a whole-ass fic that i ended up liking so. here you go.
> 
> enjoy.

This isn’t how he wanted this to happen. Brendon thought he’d forged himself a suit of confidence over the years; he thought he would feel more prepared, stronger. But here he is, unable to look Ryan in the eye. The urges are tugging at him from all directions and it’s taking everything for him to keep his stance. Ryan stands only four feet away, but it feels like an entire world is between them, keeping them apart.

"Ryan, I... God, I just..." Brendon chokes on his words, his skin feeling like fire. He clenches his hands at his sides, trying desperately to ground himself and will away the vice grip inside his chest. "I-I never wanted to have to... to move on from you. I didn't want to live to feel that."

Ryan watches Brendon carefully, still cornering himself, but not unaffected. He swallows against his own dry throat and keeps silent to let Brendon say his piece.

“I thought that muddling everything would help… I couldn’t have a clear head without being reminded of everything about you, Ryan… There was never a moment where I could actually distract myself on my own…” Brendon stares at his feet, his occasional nervous twitches beginning to devolve into full body shaking. “And I was so stupid… I just… I just tried to drink everything away… tried to be so high I was completely out of the universe where I was existing without you…”

A tear rolls down his cheek, followed by another until they're falling freely. His chest heaves as he struggles to speak again, fighting sobs.  
  
“R-Ryan… I can’t do this anymore… I don’t want… I don’t…”

_I can’t do this anymore…_

Ryan’s eyes are stinging from staring and holding back his own tears. Those words, spoken from his own lips eight years ago, feel like a stab directly to the heart.

“What, Brendon? Don’t want what?” He asks, his voice unintentionally rough from his prolonged silence. 

There’s fear there. He doesn’t know what exactly he is afraid to hear.

“I… I…” Brendon struggles to speak again, lips parted for words that won’t come. He’s watching as Brendon’s shoulders hunch slightly, his hand clutching over his heart, breaths shivering. There’s a large, ragged inhale, and then, “... don’t want to spend another day… forcing myself to forget that… I still love you.”

And there is where he breaks. 

Brendon sobs aloud, bowing from the weight of his emotion, the impossible constriction of his own body within itself overwhelming him. His breathing becomes more clipped as he chokes against sobs, face flushed, both hands wringing against his chest, yearning for relief. Ryan breaks through his own defenses, crossing the short distance between them and reaching him as he’s falling to his knees. Ryan follows him to the ground. 

“Bren… Deep breaths, Brendon… _Please_ …” He begs.

He’s crying now, knowing that this pain Brendon feels may as well be his own. How bizarre it was to realize that despite how finite their parting had seemed years ago, they had both been struggling to forget and trying to force away from the love they’d tried to hold so tightly to before.

Yes, Brendon had hurt him and threatened what they had with what he did, but with the years between them now, Ryan just couldn’t place the same ill feeling he’d held back then. The long years of torture they put themselves through, it had been more than enough to try them both. 

Brendon’s insecurity toward their relationship had crumbled so quickly after their parting that he struggled to catch up with coping. He had finally and fully overcome the side effects of his upbringing, finding pride in the love he had, but there was that ever empty space that reminded him that he was far too late for it to mean anything. As the years passed, Brendon would never have a love that compared, and all that did was leave him yearning for someone who he didn’t believe he had ever really deserved. He had near completely lost himself to vices that had once been part and cause of more pleasurable experiences he shared with the closest friends he had ever gained. There was so much he had lost to his own mistakes.

Ryan had tried to isolate himself but had barely been strong enough to make it through the many lonely and sleepless nights. He did everything to try to make himself happy, to fill the void. A fully furnished personal studio, a cat, dogs, a place on the map… All consistent, giving him new memories and pleasant emotions, but who was there to share these moments with him? He had his friends, always trying to help to distract him for his betterment, but there was always that voice at the back of his mind, wishing for a particular someone to smile in his direction and share this happiness with. A voice that he ignored, constantly, with headphones on and a stringed instrument in his lap.

Every day was a constant battle and neither of them had ever been able to truly let go. Keeping busy, passing time, but never really living. Both denying what they were missing more often than not.

There is a desperate moment where Brendon hiccups hard, attempting to do as Ryan asks of him. He feels hands grip evenly at his shoulders on an inhale. As he’s huffing out the exhale, he opens his eyes, suddenly face to face with Ryan. If he hadn’t already been hyperventilating, his breath would’ve escaped him from having those beautiful eyes before him again. Ryan’s nervous hands touch at his chest and lightly against his throat. He settles both palms against Brendon’s flushed cheeks and presses their foreheads together.

“I’m here… I’m here… Breathe with me, okay?” Ryan starts a rhythm for them, knowing Brendon will follow. He carefully closes his eyes, encouraging Brendon, breathing deep and steady. The shudders of breaths gradually even out, tears halting, the tension slipping away bit by bit. Ryan opens his eyes again, examining the more serene look on Brendon’s face, maintaining his breath to keep him at it. 

“Good... “ He praises quietly, curling his fingertips softly against Brendon’s nape out of a forgotten habit.

In another moment, Brendon chances breathing through only his nose, trying to feel normalized. He opens his eyes again, meeting Ryan’s lidded gaze. There is something inexplicable mixed with the apparent relief there. He can feel that his own heart rate is still rapid, but he’s uncertain where to place the blame for that now. This is the closest they’ve been in nearly a decade.

“... you okay?”

“Ryan…” Brendon starts, but bites his lip, keeping his eyes on Ryan. He hesitates.

“Yeah…?” Ryan’s brows dip just slightly in concern, giving the barest glance at Brendon’s mouth.

Then he feels Brendon wrapping his arms so carefully around his middle that he nearly jumps. Despite the gentleness, Ryan can feel the build of Brendon’s well-toned arms, significantly different from what he remembers. He can’t find the words or his voice to make a comment on that immediately.

Brendon dips his head to fall to his shoulder, forcing Ryan’s hands past Brendon’s neck where he instinctively curls his arms to hold at the other’s shoulders. Ryan still feels stiff from his own nerves, but there’s a mutual sense of comfort here. He relaxes just enough to settle his cheek against Brendon’s head, breathing in a warm scent off of Brendon’s collar: vanilla. It feels a little stupid when his eyes begin to water again, fully realizing how deeply Brendon’s attachment still runs. He can’t help his smile.

Ryan grips at the back of Brendon’s shirt, between his shoulder blades. He worries his lip for a moment and considers his thoughts. “... You smell _so_ slutty right now.”

When Brendon starts shaking again, there’s laughter muffled against Ryan’s shoulder and their embrace deepens just a little more. It’s so familiar and yet there’s some new quality here that neither can recognize immediately.

Having abandoned what they thought they knew was the end of them, they are finally coming back to life.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, i also draw?
> 
> thanks for reading ;)


End file.
